Her

It only feels like a few months ago since I've made the biggest mistake in my life. But in reality it's been over a year and a half. Well let me tell you this. I had thee most amazing person in my life. It all started 06-04-08. I never really knew the right or wrong with things i just always went with the flow. I never really understood what she saw in me and my life that wanted her to stay around. I'm glad she did. I remember the lazy days, the car rides, trips to the humane society, movies, and everything in between. I always told myself I was gonna be alone when I get older. I was shy, not attractive, wasn't very big on confidence, felt very dependent and didn't want to do things for myself. So I knew life was going to be rough. Until I met Lauren it all changed around, not right away but slowly things started to progress into being better. I thank her for that. I will never forget the day my world turned upside down. I remember the day, the month, the way you and I were laying, and the expression on your face. It's hard to explain everything that was going on through my head at that point, and i certainly didn't know how to act with them. Everything was building and seemed to get worse for me. And by not taking care of them the right way, I betrayed you and didn't keep my promise of FOREVER! What the fuck was I thinking....?
It might of seemed like I didn't care about you or anything but I did. You were my life, and the future wife. Member planning out our future, yeah I wish I would of used my noggin'. Never would of thought id be so aggressive with my anger, I said things I don't even remember but I know they were hurtful. But i guess to make myself feel better from the bullshit i had to put someone else down. Not cool. I think about it all the time, it will never go away. I'll never let myself ever do that to another individual ever again.
It would mean the world to me to get Lauren back but it's my fault I was that person. I feel lost and confused not really sure what to really do with my life. I wish i wasn't standing here alone with my hands in my pocket and instead standing next to you holding your hand. Showing the world you belong to me. Wouldn't that be nice?! I'd like to know what is really going through your head...i'm being told to be patient. I'm working on it trust me. I can only wait so long though my heart only beats for so long. As much as I say to move on forget about it or just go and do me....I can't I won't walk away from something special again. So i'd rather be sad from her telling me what it really is. Life will go on with or without her.
This is just me rambling on my first love.